Tuesday, April 02, 2013

Tips for Air Travel - #1 Passports

Dear Reader,

Given that I've been travelling for work quite a bit these days, I decided to put the power of this forum at the service of the people. You will probably wonder what drove me to write about this as opposed to my usual diatribes about online dating or pop culture, I'll tell you what, a little thing I like to call life experience.

Now the first tip and I cannot stress this enough, is bring your passport to the airport. This has become more and more pressing of late, the days when you could get into a plane by using half a pack of chewing gum and an old battery as your form of identification are long gone. This, obviously, will become more and more of a priority as the shift towards interstellar space travel occurs but then again, when that happens you will also have to worry about which member of the family gets to start a new life in the space colonies as a larva farmer and which one stays to perish during earth's nuclear apocalypse so priorities tend to shift a little bit.

Now for those uninitiated in Air Travel, there are three basic kinds of passports, you get either of these depending on your country of origin, IQ or level of cholesterol.

1-Handwritten passport. This is obviously the best kind of passport, it brings you back to a time when people cared about things and craftsmanship was paramount to the human experience, A handwritten passport tells the world; hey I know I will have to spend an extra 30 minutes every time I go through passport control given that my official form of ID looks like it's been written on top of a prison toilet seat by an illiterate inmate and that's OK. Things to look out for in a good handwritten passport? Anything that will ensure the reader of said passport that no means of technology or technical advancement have been exposed to the document at hand,  spelling mistakes, this screams authenticity  penmanship? the more doctor like the better. For extra points some white out or a scratched word.

2-Homemade passport. A close cousin of the handwritten passport, most homemade passports have been crafted by 5-10 year olds. Incredibly charming, these passports usually show a picture of mommy and daddy on a plane and possibly a flying dragon, what those stupid kids don't realize is that, other than in some Baltic countries, most passports don't feature any dragon's hence making the document unsuitable for international travel. Then again, there's always the odd central american country that will accept this as a form of ID.

3-Swedish passport. Enough said.

Now that you have your passport, you need to go through passport control. Most people will compare this process to drinking hot chocolate in a log cabin during a skiing vacation in the alps. I for one, fully agree. Nothing makes me feel warm and fuzzy like a stern figure of authority asking non-english speakers for hotel reservations while a long queue of passengers await their turn to be let into the boarding gates. Now I titled this post "tips for air travel" for a reason, here are some surefire tips: lines are for suckers ALWAYS look a bit distracted, walk straight to the front of the line and hand-in your passport to be stamped. Violence (led by the 30 odd passengers you just skipped) will incur but like Kelly Clarkson says, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Once you are in front of the person checking your passport looking him straight in the eyes and mutter, slowly moving your lips.."I had sex with your mother last night" inevtibably the control person will reply with a "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY??? to which you reply " I said that It has always been my dream, since I was a little child, to visit the Democratic Republic of Congo" for added effect this should only be said if you are not going to Congo, if you happen to be going there just use some other ridiculous place like Sweden. The high levels of insanity displayed by these actions will make the person in charge deal with you promptly in order to get rid of you as fast as possible, this is particularly useful if you are carrying passport kinds 1 or 2 where the less scrutiny applied the better.

Next chapter, what to do between passport control and boarding time and how to get access to those fancy lounges for free - stay tuned!

Happy travels.
Mar Hat. 

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Stay with me

Although this new approach of fully disclosing my CL adventures hasn't really panned out the way I imagined (don't ask) I'm gonna squeeze another post out of it. After that I'm gonna dedicate my blog to either chronicle my adventures in babysitting or make up some stuff about me recreating every single Julia Child recipe while I tout my 90's liberal agenda.

For my second CL post I decided to indulge into a even more ridiculous approach, almost as if I didn't want to get a date out of it (!) here it is:

Here's the deal; if you are bored, lonely or looking for a LTR with a hopeless romantic (that likes Rod Stewart) you should definitely consider replying to this post. -Why would I do that? I don't like Rod Stewart, you say? okay, I admit that not everyone likes Rod but I do and I also like to read (Chabon, Klosterman, Sedaris, Rod Stewart's autobiography) and I like to watch movies (actually It's my favorite thing in the world) and I like to talk about Pop culture or Politics, or current events or Rod Stewart. I know what you are thinking, but I do other things when I'm not thinking about Rod Stewart. I work in Advertising, I watch TV on DVD and love going out with my friends. I know that between that and my latent Rod Stewart obsession It seems like I haven't got time for anything else. But I do, I have time to go out on dates and open the door for you. To go watch a play or a movie, go to a concert or just for coffee. To hang at home playing board games and listening to the 80s channel on satellite radio. A bit more about me; I was born in South America and lived in Europe for 10 years ( Austria and Spain where I went to college), I moved to Canada three years ago, I'm a big guy, bearded and tall (think Kevin Smith), overall I'm a good guy, I care, I listen, I don't judge and I'm a bit obsessed with Rod Stewart.

For those of you taking notes, you know who you are! (I don't) who are wondering if this approach worked...it did. Did only Rod Stewart fans reply? maybe, who knows. Did most people misinterpreted the ad and wrote back things such as "I love him too! My favorite song is Mandolin Wind" They did indeed. Don't get me wrong Mandolin Wind is a great song, up there with anything on VH1's- the 23,457 greatest songs composed at a bar after a Wednesday AA meeting, but rather that getting replies by people that shared my particular sense of humor (I call it meta -idiocy) I managed to alienate everyone under 40 that's not a fan of the raspy voiced troubadour and that's as you've probably guessed....everyone under 40.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

When I logged in today (after a pretty long time) my original intention was to link to a crafty blog about how to make your own UHF antenna to get HD channels for free (particulary useful for those upper crust hippies who bought an HD TV set but don't want to pay the man for High Definition Channels) . When I did (log in) I found a comment begging, pleading, screaming for me to share my Craiglist talents with the world. Hold the aluminium foil , roll back the chicken wire and pass the joint around, below is my Craiglist's Personal post titled I wear black Rim Glasses:

A craiglist's personal? I say why the hell not! Here's the thing I've never done one of these so "frequent shoppers" please forgive my disregard for conventions and specially; terminology. Here are a few important facts about me, I hate Family Circus, I love playing Boardgames, I'm a huge film buff (yet not too much a snobby one), I like brunch! I read magazines in the Indigo coffee shop that I have no intention of buying, I like to buy used stuff (I have a voyeuristic fascination with Garage Sales), I like to read and take the TTC and combine both everyday, I watch TV on dvd, I have a cat! I enjoy the financial section of the newspaper yet I'm pretty sure I don't understand it. Some not-so-important ones: Big guy, bearded (think Kevin Smith) and tall, College grad, born in South America to European parents,lived abroad most of my life, speak a few languages, work in advertising (yet most people would describe me as an overall "good" person). Also, I'm a smoker. You should be a nice person with a great sense of humour (of course if you like twin peaks and Dilbert that's definitely a plus), someone that likes staying in and watching foreign movies with a bottle of wine (not as the exception but as the rule), that reads in bed and likes to go out with friends to discuss pop-culture over coffee, someone that would tell me the answer to 12 across in the Sunday crossword (Is not Pathos, I tried). That's my spiel! If you want I'll send you a pic and please refrain from replying if you like Family Circus (let's throw For Better Or Worse in there as well).

Now, I got a lot of replies from this post, and by I lot I mean more than two. I had no preset policy regarding how I would handle these replies and as exciting as it was to get mail from girls that in most cases shared my interests and sense of humour I also found it terribly intimidating.
Everything in that post is true (except the crossword bit, I do my crosswords in an Australian website) but as is often the case some details were dutifully omitted, relevant or not, that's anyone's call. For example; I do work in the Advertising Industry but in the media planning side, (most people assumed I was in the creative department) and in a junior position. So when I got an email from a partner in a downtown financial firm I couldn't help but wonder how she felt about Mac and cheese and the Rainbow's two toonie tuesday. Instead I replied to a charming email from a girl that interned at a zine and gracefully ingored the post's grammatical errors . I ended up going on a date with this girl, we spent most of our time talking about obscure sitcoms, David Sedaris, and the movie The House Bunny and (I can only speak for myself) had a a good time. It's safe to say that by the time we walked the two blocks from Honest End's, our rendevous point, to the bar were we sat down and chat we had already dismissed the notion of any romantic relationship, and that was Ok. After the policeman talked me down from the window ledge I went back home and pondered upon my CL experience and decided to make a Pros and Cons list like any shitty sitcom character would do;

Pros of Posting a Personal on CL.

You might get a bunch of emails from really interesting people that found something they were attracted to in something you wrote..

You find out a LOT of people hate family Circus.

You get to write emails that you definetely wouldn't write at work.

You dong get a verbal warning from your Manager for writing these emails.

You get to go out on dates!

You make up for those times when you didn't leave a great tip on the place you are having said date.

It gives you something to write in your blog after a long hiatus.

Cons of posting a personal in CL

You find out everyone your age is more succesful than you are.

You find out people don't realize you wrote big as an euphemism for fat, they also have no clue who the fuck Kevin Smith is.

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Thursday, March 27, 2008

While we listen to Dolly Parton's masterpiece 9 to 5 in a youtube video Mr Hat and I decided to revisit (much like Oprah) our favorite things of 2008. Of course we are not rich like Oprah and we are influential to a much more secluded and select circle, that eats whiskas for breakfast. Let's get on with it: favorite thing number one TV. TV is awesome! Not only is entertaining in itself but an amazing conversation piece, here's an example - You: Did you watch the wire yesterday? - Hipster friend: Ha ha you have a TV and watch it! I hope you die you piece of shit. Poor penguin shirt (or Fred perry) wearing friend, he doesn't know what he is missing, of course he could pick the wire on DVD and discuss the series Dickensian aspects with the editors of Slate but will he ever watch Who's Americas Most Smartest Model? I think not. America's Most Smartest Model is an undiscovered jewel known only to a few connoisseurs. The series premise is simple yet effective, it concist in picking a selected group of relatively good looking people most with sub-normal intelligence and others with deeper mental issues and making them do tasks that, get this, will prove that they are both smart and show supermodel potential. This social experiments results in enticing television that at moments is borderline retarded and at others just plain retarded. This show provides us with the answer of what happens when an angry "soviet" model interacts with a human being (it's funny) and whether the effects of collagen are in some cases irreversible (they are). I f I had to pick a moment that reflects the genius of the show I'd pick this: when Argentinean Model Gaston was asked to name things that smell  bad and walk the runway (at the same time!) The three things his strained brain could come up with were; dirty socks, rotten eggs and dirty penis. God bless Television.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Yes It's been a while, One could say that this has been a time of reflection for me, a time spent looking for inspiration if you will. During my period of absence (Or should I say our) my avid, rabid readers tried to coax me into writing a new post. By avid readers I mean, of course, my mom. What to write about then, became the question. I could do a post on the olde " they are raping my childhood" theme by stating that the idea of adding more female characters to the smurfs village in a planned updated version of the show is a travesty but after seeing Alvin eating his own feces there's hardly any hope for anything I once liked. My childhood has been raped hard and I should get over it. Today on Kyra's blog I saw a photo of an egg that casted a shadow that looked like Batman, that's the sign I've been waiting for! When even half eaten food can provide a wittier pop culture commentary than I can, that can only mean one thing, the apocalypse is coming... and it looks like breakfast.

Lately I've been watching a lot of TV, this may come as a shock to those who know me but once in a while I put down my first edition of Ulysses and succumb to the idiot box. What have I've been watching? If you haven't noticed (Or seen Conan's beard) there's a writer's strike going on which means no prime-time so I had to resort to alternative programming. This might as well serve as a guide to those who, like me, have nothing else to watch. The Shows I've been watching are:

The Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes, a 1984 Granada production about the title's renowned detective. In this Incarnation Holmes is played by a Human being, not a mouse, but that's not the only way this adaptation is loyal to the source material. Holmes is also addicted to a morphine Cocaine cocktail (something I must have missed when I read the books as a child) that seems to keep him busy while hes not cracking complex cases. And of course he never utters the infamous " elementary my dear Watson" either. Jeremy Brett's Holmes is as brilliant as you would expect but more flawed than you'd imagine. Needless to say the acting is superb, the sets are as close to a Victorian England as someone who doesn't know what Victorian England looked like would hope for and Scotland Yard...Scotland Yard never had a chance of solving the case.

Get A life, Chris Elliott's 1990's sitcom about a 30 year old paperboy living with his parents (This one worries me a little) and Ducktales the true story of Scrooge McDuck, the world richest duck (seeing that most Ducks have no steady Income makes it more impressive even) , his nephews, pilot and pet caveduck (which never seemed right, right?). Other shows in my must watch list -Picket fences, Dr Katz, Agatha Christie;s Poirot (from Granada also) and Ken Burns the War, yes I know I am watching Ducktales and I haven't watched it yet. I have to admit that it's a wird combination of shows that (aside from the War) lacks serious drama , but then again the best show on TV is back and that's all the drama I need. I bet that if Holmes had a playlist like this to entretain himself he wouldn't do any drugs, or more likely, he would do a lot of drugs eat doritos, and leave all his cases unsolved.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Today's Quote:

Post modernism means never having to say I'm sorry.


After the stupid Summer... Fall it's finally here!!

And its time for those brilliant, hardworking network executives to shine. That's why we are proud to introduce Mr Hat's Fall Guide. Mr Hat and I are amazed at the quality of the new shows this season..and the originality!

Among the new shows we have Kelsey Grammer's groundbreaking comedy; Back to you. I haven't seen this show yet but Mr Hat has. According to Mr Hat he wasn't aware that Back To You was a new show , he thought it was a rerun of News Radio and switched to what according to his discerning taste is the true great new show of the season The Erotic Traveler. The Erotic traveler is a new High production drama form the people that brought you Hotel Erotica, Hotel Erotica season 2 and Hotel Erotica in Spanish available only in Telelatino Wednesdays at 3:45 AM. The intricate premise revolves around what seems to be a trailer trash prostitute after winning Lotto 6/49 fornicating in front of blue screens posing as the world's most exotic locations. e.g. The Eiffel tower. This show masterfully depicts society's injustice in a socially aware fashion that has never been seen before in late night basic cable. A prime example of this is the short but lust filled relationship between a French baguette merchant and what could be better described as a Society's lady chambermaid. Never has a baguette served so many metaphors and clever wordplay. This show makes PBS's snotty masterpiece theater look like the first rehearsal of Laguna Beach.

Next on the Fall's new slate is CBS Kid Nation. This show is brilliant. Mr Hat and I got together to watch it and we were awestruck. first of all we would like to make a few clarifications to readers that might have been confused as we were about the true nature of kid nation, Kid Nation is not about Kid Rock and his tumultuous relationship with Pamela Anderson featuring never before seen footage. That is not. The show consists of getting together a bunch of bad parents who want to get rid of their kids for the summer and giving them some cash in exchange of putting them in Harm's way and extreme living conditions. Everybody wins! On the first episode the producers tell the kids that society cannot function without them being stuck in a predetermined social class so they tell some of them that they are the upper class, some others are merchants others cooks, laborers, etc. Once the roles have been sorted the kid are told that the upper class gets a lot of money for doing nothing and that the laborers get practically nothing for doing most of the work. This show is high on educational values as it is teaching our children that life is a bitch from a very early age.

Next on our list is K-Ville a show about a post Katrina New Orleans and two opposite police officers who partner to fight for what's right. Katrina ,two Unlikely partners (one fat and black, the other white and skinny) those are the elements for a Kick ass Buddy comedy about two cops having a good time in the big easy. Instead we get a major downer about Katrina's aftershock. The images of a devastated New Orleans two years after the tragedy don't do much to lighten the mood. Mr Hat, I and bottle of Prozac with someone else's name are going to keep watching this eagerly waiting for a Mardi Grass episode.

Monday, December 11, 2006


Maybe not the brightest idea I've ever heard

When my brother Matias showed me ChaCha.com a search engine that features, wait for it.....Actual human beings! I must admit I was genuinely intrigued. Who are these "guides" and are they any good? These guys are guys like you and me that get paid $5 an hour and NO, they are not any good. I can’t blame them for doing exactly what I would do which is directing people to wikipedia, but c’mon is not like wikipedia is an obscure internet resource. When they can't direct you to the most obviously generic site, they start the trial and error process which consists in linking you to the most random pages hoping one of them contains the information you were looking for. Not the best use for your time we all know that Google didn’t become a verb by linking people to garbage. But hey, some people miss the human touch and I understand that (I also prefer cuddly humans) but human contact with strangers over the internet whether is via a webcam in a porn site or a yahoo chat its always going to be handicapped. Like I mentioned before my brother showed me the website, he also told me that some of his queries included the telephone number for the Cuban police, the cure for loneliness and if the Cola Wars were an actual war. Yes the questions are absurd and yes the Cha Cha guides spent time answering them. Now multiply these questions by the thousands that decided to play pranks on these poor guys and you will realize that these guys won't have that much time left to answer the REAL questions which might deride in them finding the easiest way out of the queries by....linking you to wikipedia! I assume this site wants to support itself via advertising, who are they gonna target? The way I see it, since as a search engine is useless, because of it’s off the chart ability to entertainingly waste your time and already a hit among the internet savvy teenage demographic (as early adopters huge among advertisers) Cha-Cha is the new you tube. Heck if I had any money I'd buy some stock.

Friday, October 13, 2006

TV mirrors Hollywood's lack of ideas by creating not one but TWO shows about the backstage of a Saturday night live like show. A subject that very few people would truly be interested in.
But there lies the Magic of television ,doesnt it? It makes people like me interested in what goes on during the creation of a show (SNL) that hasnt been funny or even succesful in probably a decade. These two shows im referring to are 30 Rock and Studio 60 in the sunset strip created by the brilliant Tina fey and Aaron Sorkin respectively.
30 Rock premiered last wensday and i can honestly say its funny, laugh out loud funny. Tina fey plays Liz lemon the head writer of the girl show, a sketch comedy show targeted at women , that sees her world shaken by the arrival of a New development Vp ,brilliantly played by Alec Baldwin, who's job is to fix things that arent broken, in this case the Girlie show lack of male viewership. Baldwin brings crazy chapelle like Tracy Jordan into the mix and hilarity ensues.
I can say that arguably 30 rock it's after the office the smartest and funniest comedy on TV.
I almost forgot, enjoy while you can because its not going to last.
On the other hand Sorkin's pet project Studio 60 in the sunset strip (if you are wondering SNL studio is 8C) is a half hour skein in the vein of his other dramedies the underrated Sports night and the superb West Wing.
Like i mentioned before SNL is not funny ,nor risky or succesful anymore it even has its smallest cast ever this season due to budget cuts.
But in Sorkin's world and Words the comedy of studio 60 is sharp and funny. Witers are witty and producers stick it to the man. Its the world some of us wished we lived in same as Bartletts democratic mandate in the west wing.
S60 its pretentious and self involved ,like most viewers noted ,no one talks like that. But its also insightful,funny and very well filmed, probably due to its 2 million dollarper ep budget.

Sunday, August 27, 2006


Owner realizes that naming restaurant "Hitler's Cross" was innapropiate.

This seriously reminds me of Dogbert's school for people with no common sense.
You can read the full story here but basically what happened is that a Restaurant in the hip financial district of Mumbai beared the name Hitler's Cross (Hopefully as an advertising gimmick). Yes we all know that Mick Jagger once said that there is no such thing as bad publicity and im personally all for schock value.. but having the nations of Israel and Germany filing formall complaints beacuse of your stupid Restaurant Name seems like a price too high to pay for awereness. All i can say is that HC is one tasteless restaurant (pun intended).

Kitten falling asleep...The Movie!!! (probably coming soon)

A couple of months ago i watched this video on you tube where a taxi driver (now it seems he was a computer technician) got mistaken for a computer guru and went on air (on the BBC nonetheless) to give his expert opinion on the apple vs apple lawsuit.
Now it seems british film producers are planning a movie based on this poor man's mishap.
How can they strech this incident for 2 hours? i have no clue, but it sure sounds as the Brits are as clueless as the Americans when it comes to thinking up fresh film ideas.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Who do you think is more popular in Turkey; Woody Allen or Kevin smith?



If you answered who cares or Woody Allen , youre right!
How did i make this mind blowing discovery? By using google newest cool/useless/addictive/time wasting tool Google trends. All you need to do is type to searches that wont cancel each other, separate them with a comma click search and wait to be surprised.
Pamela Anderson still more popular than Carmen Electra? yes except in Hungary. Pacino more famous than De Niro? By far...in Calgary!
But if getting the graph with the results seems a little cold and unappealing then i recommend Google fights, completely different results for the same query and a short stckmen fight announcing the winner.

Enjoy